Honesty and truth
Hey there!
Lima (7 years old) is watching Netflix in the background and I can hear ‘Butt, butt. Butt, butt, asshole….‘ in a rhythmic tone. Made me smile. I turned to look at Lima and Rob and they also found it funny.
Lima is into ‘The Midnight Gospel’ and watches it a lot. It’s a cartoon described as ‘Traversing trippy worlds inside his universe simulator, a space caster explores existential questions about life, death and everything in between‘ on Netflix. I’ve always wondered who and how they created it because it doesn’t sound like the typical scripted series. It’s adults having very deep conversations. Stuff that you don’t usually talk about. They also swear a lot (Holy sh t, fu*k, a**hole etc) and that’s ok with us. Lima has been watching movies for 12+ or 16+ year olds (16+ only if one of us has watched the movie already and we know there won’t be any violent sex scenes or horror figures in it) since she was little and it hasn’t made her use swear words, have nightmares or act in a strange way.
Rob and I (and some of our friends) also say those words now and again and we agree that we’d be hypocrites telling our kids not to say them.
Researchers from the University of Cambridge, Maastricht University, Hong Kong university and Stanford found that those who swear more are more likely to be honest people.
When Lima and Bo use swear words it’s usually at home and it’s real fun for them. They laugh their heads off when they make up and mix up some rude expressions and it makes me laugh too, to be honest.
Anyway, when I read up about The Midnight Gospel I found out that:
‘It sets real podcast interviews between Trussell and various guests into surrealistic adventures, typically telling a story alongside the real podcast audio through the environment and extra voice work by Trussell and the guests of the original podcast.’ (Wikipedia)
In one of the many parenting books I once read - don’t ask me which one - I remember reading that it makes a huge difference whether kids spend time with adults who converse or they are put in front of the TV because their parents want them to learn to speak their or a second language. This is because scripted conversations don’t resemble the real world’s exchange of thoughts and opinions.
When children are around adults discussing different topics, whether they are part of the conversation or not, whether they understand the content or not, they absorb and learn a whole bunch of stuff: Body language, tone of voice, energy exchange, the way people think, feel and interact, and more.
This can’t be replicated in a book, movie or series. But The Midnight Gospel is different because of how it was created. I prefer Lima (and Bo) watching movies like Rocketman (the Elton John story) where they show Elton John swear, take drugs, kiss men, lose his temper, try to commit suicide and what not (I can describe his life as having been extremely intense until the finished his therapy), rather than watching Baby John where the creator’s goal is to teach little kids how to behave by showing everything that could happen in a baby’s life, what emotions they experience, how adults react, what dangers await, what a baby should do etc. (can you see me rolling my eyes?!). The latter is completely staged and for me it’s a manipulative way to make toddlers behave all the same way (be scared of specific things, obey mommy and daddy, be kind etc) even though every person and every situation in life is different. Only critical thinking, having an open mind and real life experience will help a child develop the skills to deal with challenges in life.
The truth is, the many times we’ve watched Rocketman, Lima asked me a million questions:
Why does he say Fuck so often?
Why is he sad?
Why is he taking drugs?
Why is his father so mean to him?
Why did he smile after the other man kissed him?
the list goes oooooooon
I answer every one of her questions (some she asked multiple times) in the most honest and authentic way. This movie is scripted, yes, but it’s based on someone’s life and very well acted. Lima learns a lot about people, their feelings, behaviours and choices when we watch movies like this. Neither of my daughters ever ask me a question when watching a kid’s cartoon.
Why do you think that is?
I’m seriously wanting to know what you think! I haven’t meditated over it yet but what do you think?
All I know is that Lima is very interested in people and by asking questions about them she learns about humans and their way. She’s always enjoyed being around adults, our (interesting) friends and extended family members. Every time I had an appointment with someone I took her along (since she was born) and she enjoyed it.
Rob and I don’t talk about things like wars, abuse, politics etc in front of the kids because even though there would be a way to honestly answer their questions, we don’t want them to worry that something like that might happen to us.
A moment of truth:
The other day, Rob and Lima went downstairs into our storage room and when they came back up, Lima said that there was a used condom on the floor. Rob had told her what it’s called but not what it’s for so I explained it to her: When two people have sex but don’t want the woman to get pregnant, they put a condom over the penis, like a little plastic bag, where the semen is collected so it doesn’t go inside the woman.
Her question: Why don’t they want the woman to get pregnant?
I continued to answer her questions until she stopped asking.
No Judgement
It’s important I answer their questions without any judgement:
Judging another person, their behaviour, their feelings, their choices
I want them to just know the truth, not my beliefs. I want them to make up their own opinion and keep an open mind. If I answered their questions with an undertone of ‘what the person did was not kind/right/clever etc’ (or the opposite), they would adopt my label and judge people in the future when in a similar situation.
Judging Lima or Bo for asking (make them feel a question is stupid, out of place, not asked the right way or at the right time etc)
In order for Lima and Bo to continue asking me questions, I also need to have the time, patience and honesty to answer.
I must admit that 5 questions per minute while watching a movie annoys me sometimes and I do tell my daughters when I would like to just watch the movie without interruptions (especially if it’s the first time I’m watching the movie). Other times, I pause when a question arises, answer and continue watching. I keep the control in my hand because I know the next question is just around the corner. I can always watch the movie another time but shutting my daughters down and giving them the feeling that their question is unwelcome might keep them from firing their queries in the future which would be detrimental to their learning experiences.
What kind of questions have your kids asked you recently that made you laugh or feel embarrassed? (Like when Bo asks why the lady in front of us is so fat?)
Important notice
Now, there are 3 things I feel are important to mention now…
I don’t swear in front of other people’s children so don’t worry, you won’t find me walking around saying F*ck when you’re at APTB…. when my kid’s friends are with us, I say sugar instead of sh*t, for example.
Children at APTB won’t be told off when they swear at APTB, they are free to express themselves using any kind of words, however…
insulting someone means crossing a boundary and if the person who got insulted wants to raise a case during the weekly democratic meeting, he or she can do so and we’ll set things straight.
