Prison through praising
Hey guys!
Today I´d like to talk about freedom when it comes to learning. Not the part when children choose what to do and how to but the part when adults interfere with good intentions like encouragement and praise.
It´s obvious that you won´t see anybody being punished or shamed in a free-learning environment like APTB but kids can be punished by praise.
Let me explain
Children are naturally curious and want to try things out, especially things they see other people do. You don´t need to encourage a baby to crawl, speak or do anything else.
When you start cleaning the windows for example, a little kid wants to help you. The same applies to almost everything you do, I´m sure you´ll agree. Over time children might get discouraged if the parent won´t let them help or interfere too much by taking over the tasks when the little one isn´t doing it the way the adult expects them to do it and they stop wanting to help.
We can see that kids do things because they enjoy them, not because you´ve asked them to do it or because you´ve been praising them for it.
Here´s where the issue of praise comes in. When you praise many of the things the child does, she might stop doing it for the sake of doing it and instead does it because she´s getting praised. Her intrinsic motivation has been damaged and replaced by the seeking of acknowledgement.
For me that´s a sad thing and it means you´ve taken away part of her freedom. The freedom of doing something for fun and curiosity. Prison through praising.
Why do so many adults praise?
For most of us it´s learned behavior. It´s simply how we´ve been treated since we were little and we never questioned the ´good girl´, ´you´re such a clever boy´, ´oh, you´re so strong´ phrases we heard. They did make us feel good but then at some point it got less and less and we tried to become better, stronger, cleverer, prettier etc to hear those words again and again.
When we didn´t receive the praise it was like a punishment for us.
We might also have misunderstood and though that people were giving us Love by saying nice things to us. Then it became even more important to perform when others were watching only to get a little ´fix´ when someone said ´wow, you´re so amazing!´. In between the praise we felt more and more worthless because our worth as a human being started to depend on other people´s awe of us and what we were able to do.
School reinforced the prison through praising paradigm
Because kids are coerced into learning things they´re not interested in most of the time, the school system relies on praise and punishment as a form of motivation. They need to give grades and say ´well done!´ or ´you need to do better than that´ to keep the kids going. This constant ´you´re good enough´, ´you´re not good enough´, ´you´re the best´, ´you´re the strongest/fastest/most intelligent/most beautiful etc´ pressure creates a dependency on what other people think. Experiencing this 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, most months of the year takes a toll on children´s self-esteem, intrinsic motivation and their perception of what they´re capable of.
You might think you´re helping a child to achieve more, to feel good about themselves, to like themselves or even you more but ultimately you´re doing the opposite. And the reason you´re wanting to make someone else feel good is because you see a lack of self-esteem in them.
Guess what?! You´re projecting: Because you lack self-esteem you think they do too and by praising you´re wanting to build theirs.
But self-esteem can only come from within.
When you don´t praise a child you let them own whatever they just achieved. That´s all they need to build their self-esteem. Doing things, making mistakes, learning, trying again, doing more of it etc.
Then you help them be free and build self-confidence.
Love - and when I say love I mean unconditional love - is accepting the other person the way they are without trying to change them in any way. As most of us haven´t received unconditional love, we think we must give it with words, physical touch, gifts, actions or in another form.
But as long as you accept your child´s physical appearance, words, emotions, decisions and actions without praise or punishment you´re giving her the freedom to be herself, freedom to love herself the way she is and loving others without conditions.
I know, like most advice, this is easier said than done, especially because you probably don´t feel unconditional love for yourself. You might get annoyed when you make a mistake, are not 100% happy with your body, or are struggling to see how well you´ve done at work.
Anything you don´t accept/like in others (or what they do/say etc) is what you don´t accept/like within yourself.
It´s all a projection from what´s going on within you onto others. Therefore, the only way to love your child unconditionally it by starting to love yourself more. Your inner child needs your love. That can be long process but what you can do is reduce or even stop the times you praise, encourage and interfere in your child´s actions.
It´s the best you can do for her freedom and self-esteem so be mindful about what you see and feel when you´re about to say something positive about what she´s doing.
The first rule is to say nothing.
The second rule is to watch your thoughts and emotions.
The third rule is to give your inner child a hug.
That´s it.
What if my child says ´Look at me!´ or ´Do you like the picture I drew?´
You can either give a gentle smile and nod with your head or say ´I see you´ or ´I like the combination of colors you used´ (describe what you like about the picture but restrain from saying anything about her as an artist or how well she has done etc.).
Treat her like an equal.
When I´m with my friend and I open a tin she doesn´t say ´oh wow, you´re so strong!´. When something really impresses me I do give a compliment but I don´t do it to make the other person feel good. If you want to say something positive to someone (adult or child), hold on for a moment before speaking and ask yourself why you´re wanting to say this right now.
Is it to make her feel good, to make her like you, to impress her?
You can see that this is mainly an internal job. Observing your thoughts, emotions and behavior is key to freedom. Your own and your children´s freedom. This also mean that you´re going to be using less words from now on. Just that can be very freeing and make you feel lighter. You´re taking away the pressure to make others happy and being liked.
If you don´t tend to praise adults but find yourself giving encouragement to kids for some reason, start treating them like you would an adult. If a child helps you clear the dishwasher, clean the table, prepare food, holding the door for you etc, simply say what you would say to an adult:
Thank you. (in a normal tone, not THANK YOU!!!)
Not that this should be your goal, but this is likely to make a child feel even better than ´Oh, look at you! You´re so kind/clever/good´ because she knows that this is how you speak to adults and that´s what kids want. To be part of the tribe. Not better, not worse, just a part of it. And it normalizes acts like this. We´re all the same, with different roles but with the same rights. When praising people (that includes adults) for things that are just normal, it makes them feel conscious about what they do.
APTB
Every facilitator and parent involved in the learning facilities will have to do a workshop created by myself that will expose them to this and many more principles of working with children to ensure their freedom will be respected.
If you´re like to learn more about how best to give children freedom in their decisions and interfering as little as possible, I invite you to do my free UnParenting course on our membership site.
As always, if you have any questions or feedback please share them either by commenting here or by sending me an email to info@aplacetobe.me.