The magic of boredom
Hey there!
Have you ever heard of the phrase ´No pain, no gain´ ?
I´m sure you can relate to this because we´ve all gone through tough times and once we had overcome the struggle we felt we had grown as a person, gained experience and learned new things.
This doesn´t mean we have to create painful situations for our children for them to grow and learn but I think kids have it quite easy in our times and our society is very much driven by an avoidance of pain. Just look at the marketing strategies using ´It´s easier to solve a pain than one fulfilling a desire´ as a tool to make us buy stuff.
People try everything to avoid pain.
The number of women choosing to have a scheduled C-section or Epidural is rising all over the world. Drugs easily available over the counter make it a walk in the park to overcome a physical ache but also to dull an unhappy mind. Instead of taking pain as part of life, people reject it, not wanting to face a hard time and what´s causing it.
Painkillers make us continue ´functioning´ even though our body tells us that we need a break and that there´s something to resolve in our body and life. Instead of giving our body the right foods, rest and care it requires, we tend to over-consume and over-do, ignoring the signs that it´s all too much and then treating symptoms.
Where does this come from?
It started when we were babies. Unless you´ve been raised by a family in the South American rain forest or a village in Africa, chances are that you too have been neglected more than it was OK for you to take. Most babies are put into their own cot, into a pram, into the arms of a caregiver instead of being in their mother´s arms and breast which is vital for the mental, physical and emotional well-being of every human being.
The moment you were left to cry was torture for you: as your mind could not understand the concept of time yet, there was no hope to have as you did not know there´s a future when you´ll be back in the arms of someone who loved you.
At some point you did realize that there is a past - the memory of a blissful moment of sharing affection with a loved one - and a future - the longing to be back with your mother (for whatever reason: because you were upset, scared, sad or just because).
The people who took care of you while being away from your parents most likely tried to help you calm down by distracting you:
reading a book to you
saying ´Don´t cry/be sad´ etc
playing a game with you
putting a movie on for you
giving you food (often sweets)
singing a song
showing you something that would take your attention away from your pain
Or maybe you came up with distraction as a coping mechanism all by yourself when you felt you needed the love of someone close to you.
Distraction is a learned behavior that we take into adulthood and can even turn into addiction.
Forward a few years…
Can you do absolutely nothing? How often do you just sit somewhere without doing or even thinking anything?
These moments are extremely rare in my life. I´ve improved in the last few years but most of the time I find something to do. And when I´m not doing anything, my mind continues to do: I think about what I need and want to do in the next minutes, hours, days and even months. Crazy!
Boredom is ´painful´
When your child is bored, what do you do?
Many parents want to entertain their kids by playing with them, giving them a screen, suggesting what to do or coming up with an idea of how to ´cure´ the boredom.
This reinforces the need for a distraction and brings kids further away from being able to do nothing and being present.
As we can see from my examples above, even books or play can be a distraction but here´s the thing: there´s a difference between reading a book (or replace it with any other thing that can be used as a distraction) out of interest or because a child is trying to find something to do because he doesn´t know what to do with himself.
If you give your child the love and attention he requires by filling up his emotional cup, so to speak, then there won´t be any need for him to distract himself from feeling lonely, sad… unfulfilled.
Children adapt very quickly
When your child has been bored for a long time, there is a big chance that there comes a moment when he is at peace with just being/doing nothing and out of that will appear an idea, an interest, a fascination for something. The child can then follow this lead and stay present doing something he discovered for himself.
Books can be used a distraction too but they support imagination. They can turn into an obsession which is not the same as an addiction. An obsession is an immense interest and hunger for more knowledge about a certain topic that usually naturally declines once the person is satisfied with the information attained.
What about screens?
Too often screens are used as a distraction, emit flashy lights that affect the brain, they stifle imagination, can be addictive because there is hardly a limit to the amount of movies, series, videos and games there are on online platforms, and due to the adds that are shown.
They can also lead to a poor sleep quality if watching before bedtime.
However, I believe that the most important thing is to foster a strong bond with your child so that he feels loved, safe and fulfilled. Then screens can also be just a tool for creation, temporary entertainment and other projects rather than a usage to fill an internal need.
It´s a very personal decision, just like everything else in life. For me personally, and from experience within our family, less screen time creates a better environment at home and the negatives outweigh the positives.
Feeling the ´pain´ of boredom leads to a healthy and strong mind and body. When bored my children learn to just be, to listen to their thoughts and feelings, they move their body more.
If it was just up to me, I wouldn´t give my daughters painkillers when having the flew or other physical ailment. I don´t want to shield them from pain. I don´t want them to learn to avoid it because fear of pain limits us as humans.
Imagine not being afraid of pain. What would you do in your life? What would have been different?
Are you thinking of negatives that would have or could happen? Like accidents, deaths and broken bones?
Or are you thinking of the amazing things that you´ve been wanting to do but the fear of pain has kept you from doing them?
What do you think has influenced the thoughts you just had?
What´s your memory of how your parents and other people around you dealt with pain, boredom and distraction when you grew up?
What else comes to mind? As always, I´d like to hear your thoughts…
Yours
Sylvia
