THIS made us bond even more
Hey my friend!
Screen time has always been a tricky topic for us at home. Since Lima was little I made a big effort to foster human connection:
sing songs on the go (walking, in the car, in the bus etc) instead of using the phone to play music;
I played with her instead of giving her a distraction tool like a screen;
I stopped my online business to be with her and not send her to nursery
I rather let her be bored and annoy me than give in and pass the iPad to her
etc
Until she was 4 years old this worked pretty good but since A) Bo was born and B) I was reading more about radical unschooling (setting next to 0 limits to children´s decisions, including screen time), I tried many times this 100%-free-approach of letting her choose how much to watch and what to do with the screen (series, movies, music, games, educational material etc).
I was never sure whether it was my intuition that felt uncomfortable with it or my mind (partly my conditioning of being told not to watch so much ´stupid´ stuff that would ´dumb me down´ and partly from what I had read about the importance of free play and the many negative impacts of too much screen time). So I kept giving it a try and after many days of seeing Lima binge watching for hours, seaming to get addicted and her behavior being affected in a negative way, I interfered again and again setting limits to the amount of time she used the iPad.
Talks about how important it is to use a screen as a purposeful device such as getting our questions answered, creating projects, speaking to loved ones far away, and so forth never made any difference and I saw that I was harming her self-authority by repetitively taking control by giving her the feeling she was doing something wrong and not being able to make the ´right´ decisions.
Even though I did notice her creativity, behavior, our connection and the bond to her little sister Bo improving with less usage of screens, I felt trapped because I felt like a fraud saying ´Lima is in charge of her life´ and then setting screen rules.
Just a month ago I found a middle way that seams obvious but changed this situation to the better:
I set our screen time rules as such:
screens can be used for one hour a day in the late afternoon for whatever they want (this involves Bo too)
before that they can use the screen for creative purposes, e.g. reading notes to play piano, getting questions answered, speaking to friends and family that are far way, listening to music or audio book, educational games (that includes Minecraft for example) etc.
most importantly, I set and remind of these rules in a calm and friendly way. If they don´t turn off the screen when the hour is over I repeat why we have these rules (free play, being outside and spending time with people is more important than using a screen etc). They do often ask why they can´t continue watching and I tell them the reasons instead of just saying ´because I say so´, or ´because of the rules´
on Sundays they can watch as much as they want without us saying anything about it and Rob and I often join in to watch a family movie that we all enjoy. I can see that they do take breaks and play with toys or together without me having to say anything so one day a week of unlimited screen time serves the purpose of learning to self-regulate
2. Just because I work on my laptop doesn´t mean they can use the screens at the same time (that used to make me feel guilty)
there is a big difference between binge watching on Netflix or Youtube, or working on a project that you´re passionate about (I know that there is an unconscious educational reason for children to continuously watch the same movie or scene but every hour spent on a screen takes away from free-play which is way more important for their development and health than learning something from watching the same movie 10 times)
I never binge watch anything. I don´t have time or desire for it and I can´t do it if I don´t want them to do it either (setting the example)
3. I stay out of their business more and more
Since they watch less, they play more and I get on with my stuff. This has lead to Lima and Bo having a closer bond and getting on better. Them getting on better has a lot to do with me interfering even less in their relationship (so crucial!). I suggest reading my article ´Do we need to enforce consequences?´ about this topic
Recap
This is my personal experience and I do believe unlimited screen time works for some families. For us, I have realized, after many years of tying different things, that a limited screen time, set in friendly and caring manners, helps our relationships, and well-being. At this time of our unschooling journey at least. I´m open to changes in the future and flexible about rules.
What´s it like in your family? I´d love to hear about your way of dealing with screen time and bonding.
Have a great day
Sylvia
