Attention please
Hey there!
In this article you’ll be reading about children’s ways to grab attention, why they do it and what to do about it.
I NEED YOUR ATTENTION, MOMMY!
About 9 years ago, before having children, I visited a friend who had a 12 year old and a 4 year old son. At that time I wasn’t very keen on kids and when seeing the little boy pretending to trip and fall 5 times in a row and screaming to catch his mother’s attention, it triggered me a lot and I thought ‘Just ignore him. He’s just wanting attention and is trying to manipulate his mother!‘
Now I know better.
When a child is begging for attention like this, he is actually not getting enough. His mother was and still is a workaholic. She’s my friend and I love her to bits so it seems like I’m criticizing her but it’s just an observation.
I believe it’s important that when a woman becomes a mother, she continues to do what she loves and doesn’t stop doing everything she enjoys and doesn’t only focus on her child but I do also believe that the human connection needs to come first and that there are ways to create a balance between meeting your child’s basic needs and following your own interests. It’s also unrealistic to think that you’ll be able to go back to normal once being a mother so there has to be a give and take of some sort, especially if you want your child to grow up happily and fulfilled. Your child’s fulfilment depends mainly on you. If you get the first few years right, he’ll be fulfilled for the rest of his life.
What to do about it?
If you see your child is seeking your attention, it’s important to make time in the day to just be with him and do something together. Give him your undivided attention for how ever long you can on a daily basis and he will feel fulfilled.
DO YOUR JOB, MOMMY!
On the other hand, many mothers think they need to do EVERYTHING for their babies and/or toddlers/kids: spoon feed them, entertain them, play with them, help here, help there, protect from this, protect from that etc. The child gets used to it and waits for you to do your job. When you’re busy he might start to do something to get your attention and demand your time and effort.
You overly cared for him so that now he relies on you for everything you’ve gotten him used to.
What to do about it?
In certain areas, it can take a while to reverse this, but if you’re consistent and patient, you’ll see your child turn in to a happy, self-sufficient, independent and confident little person. Other things will change from one moment to another and it will make you realize how capable your child is.
Depending on the age and personality of your child, you can even talk to him about it. Explain that you’ve been taking over tasks that he is able to do or learn all by himself or with a little help, if needed, and that you’re sorry for doing this. From now on, he can choose what he’d like to do himself and what he’d like your help with, unless it’s something that could harm him like the usage of knifes, crossing the road etc. In those cases he’ll need to ask you first and when you both feel it’s safe for him to handle those situations, he can. Give him a hug, talk some more about it if he has questions and then go on with your life.
Restrain yourself from jumping in when you see him struggling with something and wait for him to ask for help. Even when he gets super frustrated. Stay calm and be around so that he knows he can come to you when he needs you. Once he’s calmed down you can ask him whether, when he gets so frustrated, he’d like you to help or not.
Your habit will probably kick in from time to time, so try and stay aware, observe your behaviour, how you feel about not helping him when he hasn’t asked for help and notice your thoughts. This will be your biggest ally in changing from overly-doing to minimal-interference.
LOOK AT ME, MOMMY!
If you’ve over-praised your child, he has become a praise-junky. When you see a child ‘showing off‘ - doing things to grab your attention, to impress you, to show how amazing he is, what he can do, when you see him looking at you when he’s about to do something, when he’s making sure you’re watching before starting his skills, then you can be sure the child is seeking attention, approval, applause.
What do to about it?
This applies to any child, not just your own. There are 3 ways you can react when a child is displaying his abilities:
You praise
You shame or make fun of him for wanting attention
You do nothing
I send 100 Sats to the first person who comments the correct answer below ;-)
When you praise you’re reinforcing the behaviour and feeding the addiction, as bad as it sounds.
When you shame you’re adding to the problem because you’re lowering his self-esteem even more and it wasn’t his fault anyway. It’s a learned behaviour, a coping mechanisms that the child had no choice but take on.
If you want to help the child to go back to doing things because he wants to do them, not because he’ll get praised, then of course, it’s answer number 3: You Do Nothing!
What you do instead is watch your thoughts and feelings.
Do you feel bad for not applauding?
Do you get annoyed and want to make him feel bad?
Do you want to tell him, you know what he’s doing? As in ‘I know better, you can’t fool me!‘
Do you feel sad because he’s obviously seeking your applause?
If you’re his parent, can you see yourself in him? Do you know when YOU are looking for other people’s approval, applause, praise and love?
By not giving him what he’s after in THAT moment, he can at some point let go of the need to please and return to following his interests based on his intrinsic motivation, not because he will make someone smile, cheer or give him a compliment. Of course, if most people react that way…
Spending quality time with a child with this drive, doing something together for the sake of doing it, without praising, teaching or encouraging will do wonders. Just BE with the kid, then he can realize that he doesn’t need to perform in order to be liked, that he’s good enough the way he is without putting a show on.
PS: To add to the initial story… after visiting my friend and her kids several times, I ended up bonding with her 4 year old son and because of being with her family I realized I actually do want to have children (when I was about 18 I had decided I will never have kids) :-)
