Not a big deal
Or, in other words… let’s practice serenity.
The way we react to a child’s decisions and the consequences that come with them has a huge and sometimes lasting impact on them.
It can basically only go 2 ways:
The child is being manipulated by your reaction.
The child is free to learn his own lesson
Let’s look at Number 1 first: You manipulated the child with your reaction because you made a big deal out of something.
The best example that most people can relate to is the following:
A toddler falls on his knees and you …
shout out in horror ‘Oh no!‘ rush to him and show concern
get annoyed and say ‘Get up! You’ve got to be more careful!‘
say ‘Not to worry… Nothing happened! You’re fine!‘
say ‘Oops! You ok? Next time watch where you’re going, dear! I’ll take you by the hand from now on‘
In each scenario, whether it’s a negative, caring or well-meant reaction, the adult is trying to teach the kid to avoid another fall, pain and discomfort in the future. The adult is making a big deal out of the fall even though it’s not really out of the ordinary that a kid falls. It’s part of every human being’s life. It’s how we learn.
Let’s dive into possibility number 2: The child is free to learn his own lesson
You don’t make a big deal out of it and say or do very little to nothing. If the injury isn’t too bad, chances are that the boy will get back up and continues to walk.
If he cries you walk over calmly, squat down next to him, say nothing and look at him. He might be waiting for your reaction. If you give him a tiny, gentle smile - a mix of compassion and tranquillity - he’ll most likely stop crying immediately or very soon and will continue to walk.
If it actually is a bit of a big deal and he’s broken a bone for example, it’s still best to stay calm, do what’s necessary but say as little as possible; especially no advice on how he could have prevented this, annoyance about having to deal with this now or another strong emotion such as anger, sadness or fear that would add to his distress.
I know that in those extreme situations it’s harder than in ordinary moments to control how you react but if we’re honest, these emergencies don’t happen very often and if we only overreacted in such rare occasions, we wouldn’t influence our kids as much as we do when making a big deal out of harmless experiences every day or week.
If we do overreact, we can always explain why we acted this way and apologize: ‘I’m sorry I shouted out loud and made you jump. I got really scared when I saw you fall. ‘
Most people will agree with me on this situation but many of us are not aware of our overreactions in many other moments that add up and do influence our children’s way of feeling, thinking, behaving and the choices they make. Most of the time in a negative and limiting way.
I’ll give you a few more examples with 2 possible scenarios of reactions that either lead to us manipulating the child or giving the child the freedom to learn his own lesson.
Example: Your child (no matter what age) has a sip of coffee, wine or beer.
Reaction #1: Your eyes get wide, you shout ‘PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!‘ and preach about the dangers, negative effects and terrible consequences this will have on her.
Reaction #2: You wait for your daughter’s reaction to the taste. If she pulls a face and says how disgusting it tastes, that she’ll never ever drink this again and asks you how you can possibly like this, there’s nothing more to add.
If she likes it, you can calmly explain what it is she’s drinking, why people drink it and what happens to the body and mind when drinking too much of it. Just because she tried and liked it, it doesn’t mean she’ll be drinking it every day from now on. But if you’re concerned about your child’s health, then think about this:
At any age, whether a little child, teenager or adult, a few sips of a certain beverage will not have a lasting effect on the health of the person so you don’t need to make a big deal out of it.
If something is known to be unhealthy when consumed regularly, then this applies to any age. If it’s not good for a child, it’s not good for an adult either and you might want to think about what you’re doing to your body when having too much of coffee/wine/beer/coca cola/cigarettes/processed food etc. and the example you’re setting for your child. You’re telling your kid that it’s not good for her but you’re doing it yourself. There’s a bit of a disconnect, don’t you think? Same rights for everyone…
Example: Your child figures out how to do something.
Reaction #1: You explode in delight and praise him for having figured it out!
Consequences: Your kind of making this about yourself. YOU are so happy he achieved this. It wasn’t you who managed to (…), it was him. You’re taking away the ownership of this moment, what he did, what he learned, what he might have figured out or thought about right after but then you interrupted him in this moment of discovery. Praise can start making achievements about the praise, not about interest-based, curiosity-driven encounters.
Reaction #2:
a) If he just continues with his task, there’s no need to say or do anything. Give him the time, space and focus he needs to go on with what he’s doing. Great learning experiences are happening in this moment!
b) If he comes running to you to tell you about his amazing revelation you give him a big smile and do something simple like a rub on the back, a high five, a ‘I’m so happy for you.‘ or ‘So nice to see how proud you are about your discovery!‘ If you’re genuinely interested in what he’s doing or has done and he invites you to watch or do it together, go ahead and join in. Enjoy the moment and let him lead the way. Stay away from wanting to teach or guide. Let him have ownership over his learning moments.
Consequences: Your son continues to do what he does because he wants to, he owns these moments. He doesn’t do them to be praised by you, to please you or because he thinks he should learn something in particular and that is the best gift you can give to a child.
Example: Your daughter hits your son and he cries.
Reaction #1: You get angry with your daughter and tell her off. You might punish her or say ‘Don’t hit your brother!‘
Consequences: You daughter feels like she’s a bad person. Maybe resentful because you’re taking her brother’s side and haven’t asked what happened. This must make her feel not heard and that your son's feeling matter more than hers. She might even resent her brother. You’re also teaching your children to get angry when someone makes a mistake. In short, your reaction doesn’t help but makes things worse.
Reaction #2: You go to hug your son and say nothing.
Consequences: Your daughter sees what you do when someone is hurt, by whoever and for whatever reason. She gets quiet time to reflect on what happened, what she did and how she feels about it. She has the opportunity to learn about herself, relationships, the consequences of her actions and that you love her no matter what.
These are just 3 example that I took from our own life (I just changed the genders here and there). To be honest, I’ve started writing this article a couple of weeks ago and have been adding one example at a time but all these weeks I’ve been watching my own behaviour when it comes to reacting to those ‘not a big deal‘ moments… And there are A TON!! There were like 20 situations per day when I noticed my mind wanting to say or do something that would have made a big deal out of nothing. Then I stopped myself and was simply aware of what was going on inside of me.
Let’s take today as another example:
Lima’s friend was with us and the three of them had taken us hostage, locked us outside the balcony and we were playing this game together. Rob noticed that one of the balcony doors wasn’t closed all the way and went to slide it open. Lima reacted quickly and slammed the door shut with 4 of Rob’s fingers in between.
He screamed out, dropped down on the floor in pain and was holding his hand (later he told me that it felt so sharp that he thought he had lost his finger tips). It looked bad and we don’t know if any of the fingers are broken. I consider this moment more of an ‘emergency‘ situation that we could make a big deal out of. My first reaction was ‘Fuck, Lima, what have you done?!‘ which I didn’t say out loud. I quickly hurried her to open the door, get some ice and a tissue as I had seen blood. She followed my orders and we tended to Rob. When she came back she immediately said ‘I’m sorry daddy, I didn’t mean to hurt you!‘ She said it twice and Rob, still in pain, said ‘I know, honey‘. I rubbed Lima’s back and gave her a little hug. That was it. No words of ‘Don’t feel bad‘, ‘Next time bla bla bla‘, especially no ‘You should have been more careful bla bla bla‘ or worse…
The first minute was very hard for me not to let the anger and blame show that immediately took control of my mind. Luckily, I was able to remember the ‘no big deal, just do what needs to be done now‘ mantra and reacted how I did.
All this also reminds me of a Chinese proverb I came across about 13 years ago:
The moral is accurate but I also see how the father reacted in a ‘not a big deal‘ way to all the different encounters which is such a valuable trait because it means he’s living the present moment. He’s OK with what life brings. He’s got this serenity, he’s not on a hamster wheel that spins his emotions round giving him highs or lows, simply content.
What a way to live. Let’s give this to our children and let’s not make a big deal out of things, ours, theirs or other people’s. This way they will learn to take things as they come, simply react, not overreact and live a peaceful life.
What’s your take on this?
What have you made a big deal out of lately?
I’d love to read your comments and stories below.
Sylvia
